Hetabits
by EatSleepHetalia
Summary: Meet Gilbert, 20 years old, dirt poor, Prussian albino. Living in the age of high tech humanoid computers persocoms , it's obvious that he wants one as well but can't afford it. That is until his fate changes one night at a trash dump. HetaliaXChobits
1. Chapter 1

**I Know…I have other stories that's in progress and I'm starting another…*slaps myself* It's my first parody so I have no idea how good it will be…it probably won't follow the storyline of Chobits to entirety since my stories take on a life of their own once I start writing…oh well, enjoy!**

**Consider this a present to you readers from me…**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Hetalia or Chobits!**

Chapter 1

Hello all you unawsome peoples. I'm the awesome Gilbert Beilschimdt. I AM PRUSSIAN. No, not German. PRUSSIAN. Yes, there's a difference. Basically, I'm 20, albino, and dirt poor. Anything else? Let me think, nope, not really. Only that I really want one of those new humanoid computers called persocoms. Why didn't I buy one already? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THEY ARE? I'M DIRT POOR! So here I am, walking down the street from my job as a bar tender at 12 am, talking to myself like an old geezer.

I sighed. Why, oh WHY? Did _I_have to the one sent from Germany to Tokyo by my cheap ass parents? Why couldn't I be shipped off to Italy as well like my bruder Ludwig? It seems he's living the good life down there near the Mediterranean Sea and had found a blooming lovey-dovey relationship with this cute Italian boy. To put it bluntly, my life sucks and I suck at life; especially at my love life.

I sighed and walked past a dump of trash outside my apartment complex while mumbling to myself,

"I wanna buy a persocom so bad! The awesome me shouldn't need to go through this type of torture! Hell, I would totally steal one if it wasn't so unawsome. But if I'm going to legally buy one, where am I gonna get any money? It's not as if they come free in the trash you know!"

And while griping to myself, I was tripped (I didn't trip –too awesome to-but _was_ tripped!) which resulted in an untimely faceplant.

"What the fu-"the words caught in my throat while I rubbed my forehead and started to get back up.

In the dump.

Wrapped in Bandages.

WAS A DEAD BODY!

I screamed (quite a manly scream) and scurried away from the murder victim as if some type of mutant crab. After calming down, and observing the girl in the trash closely, I let out a sigh of relief. Half covered by her auburn hair were the tell-tale persocom ears. This girl was a persocom, NOT a dead body.

An idea suddenly clicked in my mind. Here laid a persocom. I want a persocom. She's in the dump which means someone didn't want her which means she is free. The awesome I want her but have no money and needs to get one free. I gave myself a literal pat-on-the-back for my epic reasoning skills and attempted to pick her up…only to fall again.

Damn! What were these computers made of!

Setting: Back in my dingy apartment.

Time: About 3 am

Situation: Epically tired from carrying the machine that weighs about 600 tons and now trying to find the reboot button on the my new persocom

Status? Absolutely fucking frustrated.

I flopped back onto my floor with a sigh of exasperation. Frustration was a complete understatement.

"Piyo, Piyo!" my pet chick, Gilbird, nuzzled my nose.

'What do you want?" I snapped.

"Piyo! Piyo!" he pointed a beak towards the persocom lying on my apartment floor.

"I'm sorry! But the start button isn't anywhere! I've been at it for 2 ½ hours now!" My voice dripped sarcasm as I sat up and started counting off on my fingers, "I have searched both ears, all 10 fingers and toes, her neck, her nose, her mouth, her eyes, and belly button, and there is NO WHERE ELSE IT CAN BE!"

Gilbird puffed out his chest and hopped towards her feet.

I groaned and face palmed.

"I said I looked there already!'

"Piyo!" Gilbird angrily chirped and motioned between her legs with a wing."

I froze.

"WHAT! I absolutely refuse to look between there! Even though my room is filled with dirty books and porn (most of it stolen from my bruder…) I am NOT that perverted and neither am I a sexual harasser!"

If a bird could've face-palmed, Gilbird defiantly did.

"Nuh uh uh! No, no, NO! I will not look there much less touch! You do it if you wanna but you can't make me!" I stuck out a tongue to emphasize my point.

Gilbird shook his feathery head and hopped towards the XXX spot.

Seeing that the featherbrain was actually serious, I began to panic…awesomely. I scrambled up, trying to grab the yellow fuzz-ball before he did anything too inappropriate. In my mad scurry, I accidently (KEY WORD: ACCIDENTLY) brushed, barely brushed, her…unspeakable.

For the second time of the night, I scrambled backwards like a total retard/mutant crab only this time with my face bright read like a tomato.

I ducked underneath the coffee table while chanting "no" like some type of mantra.

First thing I do after obtaining a persocom is rape her. JUST. FUCKING. AWSOME.

What happens next is even awsomer (note the sarcasm). Putting it bluntly here, my room blew up.

WHOOSH! FLASH OF BRIGHT LIGHT!

When the smoke cleared, I notice two extremely troubling and awesome things.

#1: My room was a total war zone with half of my stuff charred to nucleic bits.

#2: The persocom had activated and the bandages had fallen off, revealing everything- EVERYTHING-underneath.

Number two troubled me the most.

**AN: So here you have it! The first chapter of Hetabits! Any guesses on who the persocom is? Also, most of the other characters have not been decided yet so if there is a certain pairing or character you wish to appear, LET ME KNOW and I'll take it into consideration!**

**See ya! **

**Reviews maybe? For spreading good cheer?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello. I have nothing important to say except for an apology about how long it took for me to update…**

**TT^TT**

**Don't kill me…please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or Chobits!**

Chapter 2

NO! I was not staring at her! Well maybe a little since all the bandages were off…maybe more than a little since her legs were somewhat splayed….Fine…I'll admit it!

SHE. WAS. FUCKING. HOT.

"Liz?" Her voice broke my mind out of its perverse thoughts.

I slammed my head against the floor, repeatedly.

WHY. _Slam_. IS. _Slam._ MY. _Slam._ LIFE. _Slam._ SO. _Slam._ NOT. _Slam_. AWSOME! _Slam slam slam._

"Liz?" the persocom asked again, peering at me with curiousity. I turned away quickly for obvious reasons.

"Liz?"

Frustrated, I snapped, "Is that all you can say?"

"Liz?"

I slammed my head against the floor once again and stayed there, my ass pointing up towards the burnt ceiling.

"Now I need to go clothing shopping…" I muttered.

"Ahola amigo!" my friend Antonio called out from the seat beside me. I gave a tired wave.

"Hey."

"Something wrong?" he asked, unpacking his books.

"Yeah…a lot," I sit up and begin to count using my fingers. "I was sent to Japan for cram schooling by my cheap ass parents who won't give me any allowance, then I end up with end up with a low paying bar-tending job and a freaky Russian boss and then I find a persocom that can only say 'Liz!' So right now I feel like an angel that was sitting on a cloud and then I got my wings ripped off and I plummeted to the ground."

I tore at my hair.

"You see how suckish my life is?"

"Rough night, huh? Wait, you say you _found_ a persocom?"

"Oh, yeah, I found her in the trash but I think she's broken though. All she says is 'Liz.' I ended up naming her that though."

"Naming her what?"

"Liz, short for Elizaveta."

_RIIIIIIINNNG!_

"OK you bastards! I don't know why I'm here but I am so I'm going to try to teach you something? You hear me? Good."

Antonio and I looked up at the source of the voice.

"That's the teacher?" I whispered.

"I...guess." Antonio answered with a dazed expression.

"Awfully young, huh?" I remarked. The young man was probably only about 21 and had dark brown hair, a strange curl that jutted out on the right, and an obvious Italian accent.

I turned back to Antonio and sighed. It's easy to spot budding romance.

"And here she is," I muttered as I tugged open my apartment door for Antonio.

"Quite cute isn't she?" Antonio commented inspecting her up and down, focusing mainly on her female parts which exposed themselves from the large T-shirt (mine) that she was dressed in.

"Hurry up, the awesome one is waiting! Didn't you promise to check out her memory and operation system and the other shit?" I quickly distracted him, hiding my flushing red face (I not a perv! Believe me already!).

"Si," my friend hummed as he pulled out his bull shaped notebook persocom. "You said that you hooked her up to the TV last night and it read no data? Well the, let's check her out with my notebook."

I watched with boredom as he clicked open one of her ears, extended a wire, connecting the two computers, and set the small notebook onto her shoulder.

"Liz?" she asked, looking down at the bull and smiling.

"OK Fernandez, do a class-one diagnostic and try to find her manufacturer, model number and processor number," Antonio sang the bull.

"Moo," it answered as it went silent and began the scan.

Suddenly, the bull jerked its head up and fell off her shoulder, twitching on the ground several times before letting out a puff of steam and staying still.

"WHAT? MI AMIGO WHAT DID YOU DO TO POOR FERNANDEZ?"

"H-hey! It's not my fault Toni! I just found her!"

"WHAT TYPE OF STRANGE PERSOCOM IS THAT? IT'S ABLE TO MOVE AND SPEAK WITHOUT ANY DATA? THIS IS OVER ME! I QUIIIIIITTT!"

"Calm down already!" I yelled to my hysterical friend, "That thing is just a laptop! Fix it later!"

"Nooo…Fernandez…" Antonio moaned cradling the limp bull all the while gushing tears. "All those extra software files and those screensavers and songs and…and…"

I left him to his sulks and went to make myself wurst flavored cup noodles.

"We're going out today to meet some type of persocom expert that Antonio told us about, Liz." I instructed the persocom which sat facing me.

"Liz."

"Stay with me and don't run away."

"Liz."

"Do you understand?"

"Liz!" she confirmed with a nod and a cute smile.

I turned around quickly, pinching the bridge of my nose, blushing.

"SO SO SO CUUUUUUUTTTEE!" I squealed (for the LAST time, IN A MANLY MANNER!).

"Liz Liz Liz LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZ!" she copied my movements.

Somehow, it has gotten into her to copy every single thing I do. Good thing I'm so awesome, huh?

"Good thing it's walking distance," I muttered, staring at the hand drawn map that was given to me by Antonio as I walked out of my apartment complex, "I really don't have the money to waste on bus fees."

"Guten morgen!" a girlish cheerful voice greeted me.

I looked up with an awesome smile.

"Gute morgen to you, Miss Lili. When would you like to accept my offer to bed?" I grinned as I swung an arm around her petite form.

She gave a musical laugh.

"Still a virgin aren't you Gilbert? Desperate if you're trying for the land lady."

I flinched. She may be cute with her short blonde hair and ribbon but she certainly speaks her mind freely.

"Oh, who's this?" she inquired, peering at Liz. "ARen't her clothes a little too big?"

Quickly, I held my hands up.

"Uh, uh, she's just my persocom and she's new so I've haven't had the time to shop for her yet and—and—"

"She's quite cute, isn't she?"

"Yeah," I admitted as I broke out of my rant. "Almost makes me want to—" I caught myself and my face instantly flushed up as if I had just down extra spicy wasabi. "I mean—no—like—like but I mean—"

"You're a good guy, Gilbert." Lili smiled.

I sheepishly rubbed the back of my neck.

"Liz?" Liz asked, doing the same.

"I try," I answer.

My land lady waves us off as Liz and I proceed down the street but I wasn't able to shake the feeling that there was a tinge of sadness in her eyes.

**Well, here's chapter 2! More character introductions coming up next XDD!**

**Review please? So I know how I'm doing?**


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